Weird Al Yankovic - Close But No Cigar Lyrics






Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same

And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way

Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why

And I told her, I said
"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
But no cigar!"

Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habanjero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate

And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Momma Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass

I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on DVD

Oh, no! I said
"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
Oh, so very close! (Close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"

(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(ALL RIGHT!)

[Hand claps, trumpet solo]

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo

And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist

Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big

I said
"Hey! Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
So very, very close! (Close!)
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"

Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)
But no cigar!





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Weird Al Yankovic Close But No Cigar Comments
  1. D.... M....

    Yeah, I devour my Girlfriend because she has a small pimple on her face

  2. D.... M....

    The Ren and stimpy reboot looks pretty good

  3. a.... ....

    Cake fans in 2020...

  4. M.... L....

    2:38 I just noticed that if you look really closely, you could see Julie's outie fall out of her belly button 😂

  5. J.... W....

    Lyrics: Jillian was her name
    She was sweeter than aspartame
    Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
    And after that I never was the same
    And I loved her even more
    Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
    She was gorgeous, she was charming
    Yeah, she was perfect in every way
    Except she was always using the word "infer"
    When she obviously meant "imply"
    And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
    But frankly, I can't imagine why
    And I told her, I said
    Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
    No, I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    But no cigar!
    Then I met sweet young Janet
    Prettiest thing on the planet
    Had a body hotter than a habanjero
    She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
    And I was crazy like Manson about her
    She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
    She had a smile so incredibly radiant
    You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
    I thought after all these years of searching around
    I'd found my soul mate finally
    But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
    Of Joe dirt on DVD
    Oh, no! I said
    Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
    No I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    Oh, so very close! (Close!)
    Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
    So close!
    But no cigar!
    Oh, yeah!
    Oh, no!
    Oh, yeah!
    Oh, no!
    Hurray!
    Julie played water polo
    She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
    She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
    My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo
    And she was everything I've dreamed of
    She moved right up to number one on my list
    And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire
    Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
    Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
    Look like a big fat slobbering pig
    The only caveat is one of her earlobes
    Was just a little tiny bit too big
    I said
    Hey! Are we doing government work here?
    No I don't think we are!
    You're close! (Close!)
    So very, very close! (Close!)
    Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
    So close!
    But no cigar!
    Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
    Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
    Really, really, really close!
    But no cigar!

  6. I.... n....

    Why the animations good song but why

  7. B.... R....

    Then the cat was arrested for murder. This cat had more gfs then I have. They were all thicc, CAT JESUS SETTLE FOR ONE

  8. S.... ....

    why is everybody talking about john k? nowhere does it say anything about john k...

    S.... ....

    He's the one who animated the video.

    S.... ....

    https://weirdal.fandom.com/wiki/Close_But_No_Cigar

    S.... ....

    @EffZero oh ok thanks

  9. D.... R....

    you know its gonna be weird when you got John K. on production

  10. N.... M....

    Look John K Drew It

  11. D.... B....

    Are you inferring my slightly larger earlobe allows me to hear my Joe Dirt DVD better? Only WA could out-Cake Cake. Either way, give it up for the bass player already.

  12. K.... 8....

    Is the art style supposed to be reminiscent of Ren & Stimpy, or was it made by the same person who made R&S?

    K.... 8....

    Yeah, it was made by John K, who was the creator of Ren and Stimpy

  13. F.... ....

    cake :)

  14. D.... ....

    0:12

    *me drinking the bathwater like bud light*

  15. K.... D....

    whats wrong with joe dirt??!! Seriously...... UK guy, loved that film, love david spade.... no?

  16. D.... A....

    Not cool killing and eating ladies!

  17. B.... ....

    gamer girl bathwater

  18. L.... R....

    Al must've been like "see the music video for Primus- Tommy the Cat.. I want that but weirder."

  19. G.... G....

    Without animation: Romantic song with weird parts
    With animation: What the f*ck is this?!

  20. H.... H....

    he should of kept the second one ;)

  21. M.... B....

    i miss you by björk energy

  22. F.... Q....

    the cat do be vibin' do

  23. T.... S....

    That animation was questionable

  24. P.... M....

    Anyone notice how Julie had her belly button literally pop out several times?

  25. H.... H....

    The song: mmmm yes
    The man who animated it: no
    The animation: mmmm yes

    H.... H....

    John K animated this

  26. S.... g....

    Getting a ren and stimpy vibe

  27. L.... M....

    Who drew the animation?

  28. k.... K....

    I Don't Get The End!

  29. x.... F....

    This man took Gamer Girl Water and Vore to the next level

  30. M.... !....

    This song seems to be targeted towards "nice guy" neckbeards with waifu anime avatars.

    M.... !....

    Lol thas because it is

  31. F.... ....

    Underated ..

  32. H.... K....

    The only bigger deal breaker would be finding out she listened to Weird Al, like some kind of incel...

  33. d.... ....

    This. Has. Blood

  34. H.... ....

    I refuse to believe that this was made in 2009

  35. R.... K....

    i can't describe the sound but a part of the intrumental reminds me of eyes like the sky

  36. C.... ....

    Owning Joe Dirt on DvD is a deal breaker lol

  37. B.... W....

    Is this supposed to be style parody of the band "Cake"?

  38. M.... W....

    Red and stimpy vibes

  39. A.... 1....

    0:08 Didn’t know weird al was sexist.
    1:39

  40. k.... K....

    I Forgot How Straight Outta Lynwood Was Al's 'Underrated Album' and I Like All His Albums!

  41. m.... ....

    And here I was thinking a few days ago how John K's music video for Björk's - "I Miss You" was odd then today I see this...

  42. k.... K....

    Takes Me Back To Middle School!

  43. r.... b....

    What the f#\%

  44. C.... R....

    3:27 - YK Osiris

  45. R.... M....

    was the art and animation inspired by björk - i miss you ?

    R.... M....

    Same animator! Its just john k's art style. Dont support him though, he diddles kids

    R.... M....

    @scrummy bingus What he really does that to kids???

  46. S.... T....

    Check out his live performance and see if you think it's better than this animated video for this song.
    https://youtu.be/W_kooRTnAbk
    Personally, I think his live performance is sooooooooo much better.

  47. T.... a....

    I’m sorry jon

  48. S.... C....

    Quick comment. *All of these girls are attracted to feline animals*

  49. T.... A....

    Am I the only person who sings along?

  50. M.... D....

    Sweet AND *young* h m m m

  51. D.... ....

    Now I have to say, there's an ''all right'' at 2.27 to 2.29 ish, that sounds exactly like Jack Black.

  52. L.... W....

    Animator: Polanski-tier Hollywood trash-human.

    Music: Squeekiest-clean being in the history of American celebraties.

    Odd pairing.

  53. A.... ....

    John K is a great Animater

  54. B.... R....

    So the cat is a representation of some of the worst husbands ever besides the eating part

  55. O.... ....

    I think I figured out why John Kricfalusi made Cigarettes the Cat the main character in this music video.
    Maybe it would’ve been tougher to draw and animate Al himself.

  56. W.... h....

    He's a butt guy

  57. D.... M....

    I got this on the CD!!

  58. J.... C....

    Don't read this. You will be kissed on the nearest possible Friday by the love of your life. Tomorrow will be the best day of your life. Now you've started reading this don't stop this is so freaky. But if you read this and ignore it then you will have very bad luck. Put this on 15 songs in 144 mins. When you are done press space bar and your crushes name will appear in big letters on the screen this is so freaky it actually works

    J.... C....

    i dont get it

  59. i.... t....

    Nobody:

    My brain:
    Julian: jojo *_swaaaahhh_*

    Janet: tomato paste

    Julie: Indian texas bendy straw

  60. F.... ....

    OK IL WATCH IT GO AWAY

  61. A.... K....

    an ass man

  62. A.... K....

    D😺💵ad's super heart.🐱💷

  63. F.... N....

    girls be into beast reality

  64. F.... ....

    It's always so nice to see Katie Rice's work

  65. t.... .....

    you can solve the problem by dating men instant it's way easier

  66. d.... ....

    Love makes me wanna disembowel rodents too.

  67. B.... J....

    What was wrong with the Joe Dirt DVD? 😂

  68. P.... P....

    6 times this cat is missing a pattern or has different nose or eye color

  69. C.... M....

    What song is this of a parody of?

    C.... M....

    It's a parody the style of the band CAKE. No particular song though.

  70. A.... ....

    Welcome to another episode of why this is on my recommended!

  71. x.... ....

    Joe Dirt on DVD? I'd shrink and eat you too, you horrible monster!

  72. B.... ....

    This video obviously wasn’t 3:56 it was longer

  73. J.... H....

    This feels like a wild LSD trip

  74. X.... M....

    3 murders happen evdince a full bath a cope of Joe dirt on DVD and one doller

  75. W.... W....

    2:57- Holy crap, they reused a background from the infamous "Ren Seeks Help"!

  76. Z.... M....

    Al singing this in concert is sooo much better than this video.
    https://youtu.be/W_kooRTnAbk
    That vibraslap puts his performance over the top.

  77. M.... W....

    2020 anyone!?!?!?!?

  78. O.... ....

    Ah, John Kricfalusi. His career may have gone down the toilet with Adult Party Cartoon, and yes, he’s a total cynic who’s hard to work with, and so on and on...
    But his animation style is great. That’s one thing. And that’s one of the key factors behind this music video’s level of phenomenal.

  79. J.... H....

    🆈🅾🆄 🅺🅽🅾🆆 🆆🅷🅰🆃 🆃🅷🅴🆈 🆂🅰🆈












    🅱🅰🆉🅸🅽🅶🅰

  80. J.... H....

    1:03




    when someone eats the last chicken nugget so i eat them

  81. J.... H....

    the animation is so wiered and i love it

  82. T.... ....

    >Turning down a girl because she owns Joe Dirt on DVD
    That's clearly the biggest benefit out of the entire song's cast of girls' list of benefits.

  83. T.... ....

    That cat drank bath water before it was cool

  84. C.... F....

    3:35 are we just not gonna mention that cat at the bottoms face?

    *Das a cutie*

  85. C.... ....

    John K. wasn’t a great person, but damn his style of animation was gnarly

  86. P.... ....

    I have no proof but I get a feeling that Weird Al was never a big fan of the video himself.

  87. R.... G....

    This is some kind of Ren and Stimpy shit

    R.... G....

    Watch this, it's much better. Al knows how to get the most out of a vibraslap.
    https://youtu.be/W_kooRTnAbk

    R.... G....

    the creator animated this

  88. A.... K....

    This cat is a jerk

  89. W.... ....

    that cat is going to be put down on a count of eating three humans alive

  90. J.... O....

    This feels similar to Ren and Stimpy

  91. K.... U....

    What the HELL is this art style

    K.... U....

    John K for ya

  92. D.... R....

    Is it CAKE that plays?

    D.... R....

    https://youtu.be/W_kooRTnAbk
    Does this answer your question?

  93. B.... M....

    2.6k people have no sense of humor, the animation is really hot.

  94. C.... _....

    Wtf ! Did julies belly button just fall off?

  95. N.... Z....

    Funny, second time this week that I see a music video animated by John K , both of them featured girls in bathubs, the other one is "I miss you-Bjork".

    N.... Z....

    Definitely a fetish

  96. H.... a....

    I think of Ren and Stimpy when I watch this

  97. F.... M....

    Remember Seinfeld's girlfriends all had a fault he couldn't live with... now, was it that all the girls had faults, or was the real fault his? After 66 of them, the answer was obvious. Of course, that was part of the comedy of it all.