Sandler, Adam - The Hypnotist Lyrics




[typing sounds]
[Dr. Stewart:] Hi, [I'm] Dr. Stewart.
[Gary Phelps:] Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I'm Gary Phelps.
[Dr. Stewart:] My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
[Gary Phelps:] No, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
[Gary Phelps:] To be honest with you,
I saw your name in the Yellow Pages,
and It said you're good at this stuff, so I just,
I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
[Dr. Stewart:] So smoking is your problem?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's --
it's finally, like, affecting everything I do,
I can't run, I can't play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I,
I gotta give it up.
[Dr. Stewart:] How long have you smoked, Gary?
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can't kick it, you know?

[Dr. Stewart:] Yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart]
All right, Gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax --
what I do is hypnosis.
[Gary Phelps:] Right.
[Dr. Stewart:] Basically I just want you to sit back and relax --
let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and ,
um, just feel comfortable and trust me.

[bigger fart]
[Gary Phelps: noticing fart sound] Uh...
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it.
[Gary Phelps:] O-kay....
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it.
[Gary Phelps:] That was...o-kay...
[Dr. Stewart:] All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes,
and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing.
Okay? That's it. Now I'm gonna count backwards from five to zero --
[Gary Phelps:] Right.
[Dr. Stewart:] -- and I just want you to relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state of mind --
of subconsciousness -- you're very comfortable,
I'll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax,
and just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
[Gary Phelps:] Are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
[Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Just concentrate now. That's it.
Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now.
We're very comfortable.
Five [small fart], we're thinking of nothing except being comfortable
and nothing's bothering us. Okay.
When I say the word "relax," listen to me, you're sinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
[Dr. Stewart:] Please just try to relax; that wasn't me. Okay.
You're very stressed -- you're very stressed.
Okay, four, we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very comfortable,
you're very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...[fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
[Dr. Stewart:] That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's --
the vinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate.
Okay. And we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us,
nothing bothers us -- [several farts]
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe?
I'm just having a tough time concentrating --
[Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing
[fart and cough together] three, two, two --
[Gary Phelps:] I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that.
I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
[Dr. Stewart:] This is what I do. It's a counting-down thing.
We're relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go,
don't focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we're doing here.
Three, two, relax, relax, that's it, just relax [fart], we're relaxing now --
[Gary Phelps:] Okay -- you're gonna -- that one was --
it's getting a little irritating --
[Dr. Stewart:] Hang on just a second here.
Let me just step out a second here.
[Gary Phelps:] That'd be good.
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, and we're relaxing,
as I leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
[Gary Phelps:] Jesus...Oh my God.
[Dr. Stewart:] We're relaxing.
[Gary Phelps: trying hard not to laugh]
[Dr. Stewart:] Okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down,
we're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air.
Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out. [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'.
But okay, okay, fine, thank you.
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it, you're all right, everything's good.
All right, you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair,
we're relaxing, one [long fart], and we're coming down to zero and --
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
[Dr. Stewart:] No, no, that time that was you.
[Gary Phelps:] That wasn't me!

[Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's not worry about anything else that's going down --
[Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
[Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh [fart], we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and let's take a nice, deep breath --
[Gary Phelps: I can't breathe, sir, uh, I'm sorry, I just -- ["squirty" fart]
[Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food --

[Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're relaxing --
that one probably squirted out a little into the pants,
but we'll just continue with thte floating [fart] --
yeah, that was definitely a squirt --
but here we go, one, zero, we are under.
Are you relaxed?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I'm under, I guess.
[Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, relaxing, relaxing.
You're under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore,
you will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll be breathing in nothing
but fresh air, and you will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't me,
it wasn't me farting [fart] -- that was not me --
[Gary Phelps: hysterically laughing under his breath]
You're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It's just very hard for me to listen to you when you're --
[Dr. Stewart:] You're floating now, you're high above, you're looking down,
nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh man...
[Dr. Stewart:] -- that was you,
[Gary Phelps:] That was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
[Dr. Stewart:] That was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry, she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I'm perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. And let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here. No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig.
[Gary Phelps:] What?
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're moving along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart]
All right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
[Gary Phelps:] OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want to smoke...
[Dr. Stewart:] Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five,
you will snap out of this, and you won't remember this,
especially the smell, the smell was from you.
All right? And here we go.
Zero, we're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening,
one, you're feeling good, and when you wake up,
you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and [fart] all-righty,
I ripped that one out there and I apologize.
I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
[Gary Phelps:] That was not nice.
[Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] What was that?
[Dr. Stewart:] That was three.
[Gary Phelps:] It didn't sound like three.
[Dr. Stewart:] three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] Do you want a cigarette?
[Gary Phelps:] No I don't.
[Dr. Stewart:] Then my job is done.
[Gary Phelps: bursts into laughter]
[Dr. Stewart: fart] Please leave the door open as you leave. [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] OK, thank you, Doctor.

[typing resumes and another fart is heard]





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Sandler, Adam The Hypnotist Comments
  1. Cory Morgenthal

    These guys have been dynamic for over 25 years. Comedy is perceived in a different light now. Not necessarily for the better.

  2. Cory Morgenthal

    Kevin Nealon, never given enough love. Unique and effortless humor!

  3. TheWolverine1234 TheWolverine1234

    The theripist sounds like Chuck Norris

  4. TheWolverine1234 TheWolverine1234

    He sharted

  5. splabbity

    Gaslighting.

  6. Baron Zemo

    I cherish the memory of my cousin playing this for us kids in Grandma's basement in 1996.

  7. Ryan Merritt

    Sounds like Kevin Nealon, no?

    Cory Morgenthal

    No shit

  8. Christian Holmlund

    "I CAN'T BREATHE SIR" LMFAOOOOOOOO THIS IS STILL FUNNY TWO DECADES LATER HAHAHHAHAHA

  9. Kevin Patrick Johnson

    It wasn’t me farting!!

  10. Justin Mays

    7:18 (squeaker) huh? I said three. Lol one of many funny moments

  11. clam cake

    Kevin nealand is a national treasure

  12. Andrew Millard

    Why do I smell farts?

  13. Martin Macias

    That one wasn't me that was you... lmao

  14. Jessica H

    If u watch it every day it won’t be funny

  15. Kevin May

    The elevated fart at 3:15 gets me every time 😂. This track never gets old!

  16. The Ronstermeister

    Yeah that was definitely a squirt! ...
    never gets old!

  17. Matthew Bird

    Kevin nealon is so brilliant. Adam Sandler just could not stop laughing we need so much more of this and right now

    markmac

    im here after the recent "fartgate" scandal!

  18. DarthSinistris

    This shit still makes me laugh like a moron to this day.

  19. Screamin Yellow Mach

    Sounds like Jeff Goldblum

  20. Paul Zenco

    Kevin Nealon

  21. GRiLaKa

    That wheatgrass has definitely got to Mr. Cheezle.

  22. Jake Ross

    classic

  23. Bobby

    “motley”

  24. Jason Douglas

    I haven't heard this in 20 years , it's gotten funnier

  25. Joe Salas Jr.

    Relaxing... fresh air. 🤣😂💨

  26. Maxwell Miller

    Do you want a cigarette?

    No I don't

    Then my job is done *PHTTTTTT!!!*

  27. Anthony Murphy

    "You're relaxing... We're gonna feel very fresh (FART!)... We're gonna feel very healthy GhFART!!!).... And we're gonna take a nice, deep BREATH....""" lmfaooooooo!!!!

  28. David B

    I still have this CD with all the skits.....it's awwwwwesome

  29. Mic Powers

    SOOOOO I understand all the 90's kids are here?

    Drunk Squirrel

    Lets coolaborate and listen!

    John Morley

    That time it was you, we're not here to picks sides & maybe we could deal with this in another session

  30. Mad Max

    That was not nice!

    Gary Varjian

    Ok. That was. Ok

    Gary Varjian

    That was a nice out

  31. Wyatt

    4:43 your welcome

  32. The Roamin Samoan

    "Theres no smell, the smell is from you."

  33. Casey Miller

    still genius lmao

  34. Libertarian

    "You're floating now". LOL

  35. I Am Happy So Why Aren't you?.

    Can't believe I didn't ever figure out that was Kevin Nealon!. 😂😂😂

    Bobby

    “motley”

    clam cake

    He is a legend

  36. Gabriel Jovel

    Lol Adam Sandler is hilarious

  37. Richard Miles

    Am i the only one listening to this in 2018?

    Treal FA

    Richard Miles nah you’re definitely not the only one

  38. Agent Ham

    It didn't help that I was farting while I listened to this. My sides hurt...

  39. matt k

    Jesus...I'm laughing just as hard at this at 33-years-old, as a did when I was 12. LOL!!

    ISRAEL BROWN

    ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!

  40. Leafyr Oakfyst

    Lol sits there shitting himself denying it the whole time.. I'd just rebook the appointment instead of forcing the poor guy to breathe it.

  41. Professor Penne

    I think sandler losing it lauging wasn't in the script. love bits like these.

  42. Chrisman77

    Faaaarttt what was that sir? I said three!

    I Am Happy So Why Aren't you?.

    Can't believe I never realized it was Kevin Nealon!. LOL

  43. Jerry Nowicki

    Sir, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop letting it out.lol

  44. Ryan Freer

    6:29 " *_Ahhh_* ..."

  45. Heavy metal chainsaw -

    Just about died hearing this the first time. About 15 years later and I still get out the old Roflcopter

  46. Michael Hoelen II

    That, that one probably squirted out a little bit into the pants but we'll just continue with the floating...... Yep that was definitely a squirt LOL

  47. Bee Kay 5150

    "Oh my God, what did you eat, it smells like baby food" 😂

    Gary Varjian

    That was definitely a squirt

    Professor Penne

    I CAN'T BREATHE SIR

  48. dank eth-fluttershy

    he's a special hypnotist. uses farts to be successful.

  49. Jeff Wilcox

    I am a smelly pig LMAO.

  50. Jeff Wilcox

    I think he fell apart doing this. It is funny.

  51. Marc Posey

    That was deffinently a squirt 🤣🤣

  52. James Fox

    what i said three. it diddnt sound like three

  53. Kevin Johnson

    It wasn't me farting.

    Chonson

    I'm watching you!

    Gary Varjian

    That was the couch

    Gary Varjian

    Could you open a window

    Professor Penne

    WHAT DID YOU EAT IT SMELLS LIKE BABY FOOD

  54. TafTabTah

    Still hilarious even as an adult