Sandler, Adam - The Hypnotist Lyrics

[typing sounds]
[Dr. Stewart:] Hi, [I'm] Dr. Stewart.
[Gary Phelps:] Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I'm Gary Phelps.
[Dr. Stewart:] My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
[Gary Phelps:] No, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
[Gary Phelps:] To be honest with you,
I saw your name in the Yellow Pages,
and It said you're good at this stuff, so I just,
I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
[Dr. Stewart:] So smoking is your problem?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's --
it's finally, like, affecting everything I do,
I can't run, I can't play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I,
I gotta give it up.
[Dr. Stewart:] How long have you smoked, Gary?
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can't kick it, you know?

[Dr. Stewart:] Yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart]
All right, Gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax --
what I do is hypnosis.
[Gary Phelps:] Right.
[Dr. Stewart:] Basically I just want you to sit back and relax --
let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and ,
um, just feel comfortable and trust me.

[bigger fart]
[Gary Phelps: noticing fart sound] Uh...
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it.
[Gary Phelps:] O-kay....
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it.
[Gary Phelps:] That was...o-kay...
[Dr. Stewart:] All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes,
and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing.
Okay? That's it. Now I'm gonna count backwards from five to zero --
[Gary Phelps:] Right.
[Dr. Stewart:] -- and I just want you to relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state of mind --
of subconsciousness -- you're very comfortable,
I'll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax,
and just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
[Gary Phelps:] Are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
[Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Just concentrate now. That's it.
Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now.
We're very comfortable.
Five [small fart], we're thinking of nothing except being comfortable
and nothing's bothering us. Okay.
When I say the word "relax," listen to me, you're sinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
[Dr. Stewart:] Please just try to relax; that wasn't me. Okay.
You're very stressed -- you're very stressed.
Okay, four, we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very comfortable,
you're very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...[fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
[Dr. Stewart:] That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's --
the vinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate.
Okay. And we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us,
nothing bothers us -- [several farts]
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe?
I'm just having a tough time concentrating --
[Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing
[fart and cough together] three, two, two --
[Gary Phelps:] I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that.
I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
[Dr. Stewart:] This is what I do. It's a counting-down thing.
We're relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go,
don't focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we're doing here.
Three, two, relax, relax, that's it, just relax [fart], we're relaxing now --
[Gary Phelps:] Okay -- you're gonna -- that one was --
it's getting a little irritating --
[Dr. Stewart:] Hang on just a second here.
Let me just step out a second here.
[Gary Phelps:] That'd be good.
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, and we're relaxing,
as I leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
[Gary Phelps:] Jesus...Oh my God.
[Dr. Stewart:] We're relaxing.
[Gary Phelps: trying hard not to laugh]
[Dr. Stewart:] Okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down,
we're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air.
Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out. [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'.
But okay, okay, fine, thank you.
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it, you're all right, everything's good.
All right, you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair,
we're relaxing, one [long fart], and we're coming down to zero and --
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
[Dr. Stewart:] No, no, that time that was you.
[Gary Phelps:] That wasn't me!

[Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's not worry about anything else that's going down --
[Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
[Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh [fart], we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and let's take a nice, deep breath --
[Gary Phelps: I can't breathe, sir, uh, I'm sorry, I just -- ["squirty" fart]
[Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food --

[Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're relaxing --
that one probably squirted out a little into the pants,
but we'll just continue with thte floating [fart] --
yeah, that was definitely a squirt --
but here we go, one, zero, we are under.
Are you relaxed?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I'm under, I guess.
[Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, relaxing, relaxing.
You're under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore,
you will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll be breathing in nothing
but fresh air, and you will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't me,
it wasn't me farting [fart] -- that was not me --
[Gary Phelps: hysterically laughing under his breath]
You're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It's just very hard for me to listen to you when you're --
[Dr. Stewart:] You're floating now, you're high above, you're looking down,
nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh man...
[Dr. Stewart:] -- that was you,
[Gary Phelps:] That was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
[Dr. Stewart:] That was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry, she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I'm perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. And let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here. No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig.
[Gary Phelps:] What?
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're moving along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart]
All right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
[Gary Phelps:] OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want to smoke...
[Dr. Stewart:] Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five,
you will snap out of this, and you won't remember this,
especially the smell, the smell was from you.
All right? And here we go.
Zero, we're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening,
one, you're feeling good, and when you wake up,
you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and [fart] all-righty,
I ripped that one out there and I apologize.
I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
[Gary Phelps:] That was not nice.
[Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] What was that?
[Dr. Stewart:] That was three.
[Gary Phelps:] It didn't sound like three.
[Dr. Stewart:] three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] Do you want a cigarette?
[Gary Phelps:] No I don't.
[Dr. Stewart:] Then my job is done.
[Gary Phelps: bursts into laughter]
[Dr. Stewart: fart] Please leave the door open as you leave. [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] OK, thank you, Doctor.

[typing resumes and another fart is heard]